Parents: Which lies do you tell your children because you’re terrified of the truth?

By doyourjob • June 12, 2013

Self Delusion or Optimism?
Photo Credit: Wikipedia

Alfalfa from The Little Rascals remains one of my favorite film heroes. There is something which touches me about his constancy. Who would Alfalfa be if he did not consistently try to woo Darla? Who would Darla be if she was not constantly in play between Butch, Waldo, and occasionally Alfalfa? (These days, she might be a fake-spray-tanned-flipper-wearing-contestant on Toddlers & Tiaras – barf.)

Alfalfa sang like he knew how, consistently optimistic (or delusional) in the belief that if Darla would just *listen* she would kiss him, and his cowlick would spring blue-pill-straight in the air.  BOINGGGG

Would Alfalfa have been better off if Spanky had told him the truth?  “Duuude, she’s just not that into you”. It might have crushed his heart for like a second, but maybe Alfalfa would have gone on to focus on, I don’t know, his opera career, or 2nd grade math.

Alfalfa was afraid of Darla not loving him. Spanky was afraid of hurting his friend’s feelings. Butch just needed his ass kicked. (Sorry, compassion only goes so far. )

So please allow me to be your Spanky. Your modern day truth-teller. You may be lying to yourself because you’re afraid or because you don’t know any better. Either way, I’m putting out my virtual hand to hold yours, and I swear we’ll get through this together…..

From Stockholm to Self-Delusion

My last blog post talked about the lies we tell ourselves as parents via our own home-brewed and serially shared “Generational Stockholm Syndrome“. We convince ourselves and each other that there is a wrong way or right way to parent:

As parents, we lie to ourselves all of the time. We lie to ourselves about what parenting means (really),  about what we’re capable of, and about our own limitations.

We believe our lies, and we spread our lies to other people and it becomes like a sickness which infects everyone it touches. We all believe the lies in some Matrix-y way; and we believe that unless we contribute to its growth, the real world might turn out to be some dystopic reality where economies collapse, college educations cease to exist, and our children are reduced to blithering lumps of goo.

From: What a load of crap! The Cult of Ideal Parenting aka Generational Stockholm Syndrome

A fear under any other name, still sucks

If it’s true that we only envy or covet the things that we think we lack – then perhaps it is also true that we fear the things that we hide in the very back of the closet; way beneath our  “lack of confidence”, right next to our  “life disappointments”, and  just slightly above our “self-loathing”.

We can’t face it – we can’t even name it. Like Beetlejuice, our fear can appear just by merely invoking its name.

So we relabel our fears in the hope that they will begin to behave in a different way. We put our fears into a forced emotional relocation program; placing it in a different area of the back of the closet in a shiny new box hoping it will spark something else. Anything else.

So here is what I realized just 2 weeks ago. I generally parent from a position of fear – I white-knuckle every single milestone and transition. I have to be dragged kicking and screaming from one school grade to the next. I dread the arrival of tomorrow because I’m terrified that I haven’t done enough today. And there is no talking me down off the ledge.

At the heart of all of that parenting anxiety is a fairly solid base of terrifying potential outcomes.

What the hell am I so afraid of? For me it’s fear of failure – a fear that I will not emulate courageousness, that I forget to show them how to strive when life has crushed your dreams (because we all know that it does from time to time, but we don’t tell them that).

Which lies do you tell YOUR children? 

• We tell our children to be kind and compassionate
  …but they hear us gossip about the neighbors, read trashy tabloids, and watch *anything* on TLC (blech)
  Result: our children learn to “not get caught” gossiping
• We call our children’s teacher (or coach) to intervene
  …because we’re embarrassed that if they fail it’s a reflection on our parenting
  Result: our children learn that they can’t manage on their own, and that failure is to be avoided. So why try at all?
• We tell our children that they always have to “try their best”
  …because we didn’t live up to our own potential (and still don’t) and we’re terrified that they’ll do the same
  Result: our children see their parent’s fear of failure and only try themselves when it’s a “sure win”
• We consistently tell our children “Good job!”
  …because even their smallest failures break our hearts and we want them to know we love them no matter what
  Result: our children learn to accept any level of effort as “good work”, even when there isn’t much effort there at all

---

Other  Parenting Posts You Might Like

• What a load of crap! The Cult of Ideal Parenting aka Generational Stockholm Syndrome
• Why I love face painting aka: The way to avoid raising a self-absorbed mini-asshole, is to not act like a giant asshole
• I refuse to spend my Mother’s Day at a kid’s sporting event; and so should you
• Your jacked up kid makes me feel better about mine; aka: Honey-Boo-Boo as a life philosophy
• Home economics classes should teach students how pubic hair multiplies on a bathroom floor
• Being an ‘Intense Mother’ Screws Up : Mother, Father, and Child, So Why Do It?
• You’re going to have to homeschool your kids whether you like it or not, which really sucks.
• I am a James Brown dancing Santa aka How to tell your real friends from the fake ones
• How Do I Persuade My Child to Be Obedient; or The Hammer and Nail Approach
• A Modern Woman’s Apology
• MY child a bully? Inconceivable

Tagged as: motherhood, parenting advice, parenting tips, raising teens, raising tweens

Categorised in: favorites, parenting

« What a load of crap! The Cult of Ideal Parenting aka Generational Stockholm Syndrome