The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 7,800 times in 2011. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 7 trips to carry that many people.
Click here to see the complete report.
Photo by Matteo Mazzoni Creative Commons License
On a particularly stinky day in your life – how do you cope? Is it under the covers with a pint of the newest Ben & Jerry’s? Hot bath with music? A cocktail (or 12)?
Our children emulate our behavior, we all know that. Have you considered that your children will also imitate how you deal with stress?
A child’s stress may seem meaningless when compared to yours; losing the kickball tournament versus not being able to pay the mortgage. But stress is relative to the person feeling it. You might be able to cope quite well with a cash shortfall this month where your 3rd grader might literally lose sleep about the kickball tournament.
Be Aware of How You Display Your Coping Skills to Your Children
Imagine for a moment that your child is now a grown adult with his or her own family and children. Now superimpose *your* coping skills on that image. If you’re picturing your little one coming home and: slamming cabinet doors and shouting (anger), pouring several drinks (soothing with alcohol), or sulking in the corner (emotional withdrawal) then you might need an attitude adjustment – at least for the benefit of your children.
For good or bad, our children will try to emulate us. At least in the beginning (0-8 years old) we serve as the primary example for our little ones. They want to be like us; sometimes dressing up in mom’s heels or carrying around a briefcase like dad.
Do you really want your sweet baby to carry around your marginally effective and generally socially unacceptable coping skills?
Attitude Adjustment
If your modus operandi is sulking and it’s hard to overcome, then at least let your kids know what’s going on. In the absence of guiding information, they could blame themselves for your behavior or even worse consider themselves in control of your happiness.
Try these:
It’s Their Childhood
As a parent you’re going to freak out about any myriad of things. Emotions aren’t bad – on the contrary; explaining how you’re feeling (in an age appropriate way : low on the details) gives your children permission to explain to you when they’re feeling angry or disappointed. In addition, you’re helping your child develop empathy for your feelings and the feelings of others.
If you can’t control yourself inwardly – then at a minimum fake it until they go to bed. Your emotions and behavior color the sense a child has about their own childhood. I never want my children to say: My mom was always angry.
Now It’s Your Turn
Have you caught yourself using a “less than admirable” coping mechanism in front of your child? Has your toddler imitated you in a way that was equally horrifying, disappointing, and hysterical? Share, share – I want to hear it!!
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Photographer: James Thompson - Creative Commons License
During the settlement of the old west in the United States,when the pioneers were under attack they “circled the wagons”.
This incredibly visual term refers to the act of taking up a defensive posture along with like minded individuals against an external force of some kind. The wagons were pulled into a circle : the strength of the combined group becomes greater than the sum of its parts.
Listen To Parents of Older Children
I was having a conversation with a friend of mine – one of those moms that I have a lot of respect for. I would categorize her children as “nice kids”. Not in an Eddie Haskel way (blech) – in a sincerely, genuinely “nice kid” way. They do well in school, behave well, and are respectful to adults. Win-win-win.
So I was a bit surprised when she shared a story about her daughter’s experience at “band camp”. For all those “American Pie” fans – go ahead and get it out of your system. If you haven’t seen American Pie, don’t – you might never let your daughter near a flute again….
This woman has a lovely 8th grade daughter who attended a band camp with middle schoolers and high schoolers (who came up with that brilliant mix?). Apparently, the kids sat in a circle one night and compared notes on their vast collective sexual, alcohol, and drug experience. (By the way a significant amount of alcohol is being supplied by parents.)
To the child’s credit – she came home more than a bit horrified to share the experience with her mom – who in turn, tried desperately to NOT vomit on her shoes. I tried not to vomit on my own shoes as I heard the retelling of the story.
Your Friends Don’t Parent the Same Way that You Do – Now What?
As your children go through the elementary school years and are on the cusp on tween-age and teenage years you may find that the families who were part of your social circle may need to change.Generally, we accept the social circles we find ourselves in by default: the soccer families, the gymnastic families, the neighborhood families, or the country club families. Since those are the people you’re around – those are the families you end up spending time with. The adults hang together, and so do the kids.
This may be a BIG mistake, at least as the kids get older. The parenting-style chasm begins when the kids ask for and are granted more and more independence.
Nightmarish examples for kids 11-14 yrs old:
Liquid Stress
The older my children get, the more I realize that as a community of parents, it’s time to “circle the wagons”. Make a mental note of the parents who parent their children in a similar way. Make a concerted effort to get to know these individuals and rearrange your adult relationships in a way that helps (rather than hinders) your own parenting style.
The results will be interesting. The parents you’ve become friends with over the years may need to be dropped, and parents who were never on your radar before may become your greatest allies.
Ladies Night
You don’t have to drop all of your friends – you can still go out for cocktails whenever you want. But it doesn’t mean your children need to be BFFs.
Now Its Your Turn
Have you had an experience where you’ve needed to make some tough decisions on your own relationships or those of your children?
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Book Review: The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids by Madeline Levine, PHD
The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine
If there could be only one book imbedded in your child’s placenta at birth, this should be it. Especially for parents fortunate enough to live in higher than average income areas, where higher than average angst lives, breathes, and flourishes. I found myself on pages 28 through 30 and embarrassed to point out just how many other pages completely and utterly described me as a parent. All well intentioned neurosis to be sure. And yet…
An Unexpected Epidemic
Dr. Levine goes through the frightening statistics behind the mental health epidemic that affects children of affluent families at a much higher rate: 22 percent of adolescent girls from financially comfortable families suffer from clinic depression which is 3 times higher than the national rate. Why are our children, who are afforded every privilege and opportunity at a far higher risk for depression?
You may not like the answers, and yet….OUR particular children are showing an unexpectedly high level of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse as early as the 6th grade. What on earth is going on? This is NOT typical adolescent angst, NOT a phase that the child will get past, and NOT a natural developmental process.
Affluent Parents Make Not Seek Help
To complicate matters further, Dr. Levine tells us that affluent parents hesitate to seek professional help more than other groups of parents. They (we) tend to have strong feelings about protecting a child’s academic records.
More Bad News for the “Good Job” Generation
And perhaps most importantly: “Why Praise is Often ‘Bad’ Warmth”. WHAT?? Our children are products of the “good job” generation. We hand out trophies willy-nilly for no apparent reason! Everyone is a winner for goodness sake. Some of us even purposely avoid competitive scenarios for fear that it may harm little Johnny’s little ego.
Before you climb onto the ledge (make some room for me please) just know that Dr. Levine does a detailed review of what it means to raise a child with a healthy sense of self and specific parenting strategies for raising children from ages 2 to 17.
Bottom line: Read the book. When you’re done, read it again. And if you think it doesn’t apply to you, you’re wrong. Read it again. (For those of you, who know me personally, READ IT AGAIN).
When you’re done, leave a comment and let me know what you think.
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Photo by: Ward Kadel (Concord, CA)
Conventional old-school wisdom says that the way in which you parent is the key to how your kids turn out.
You don’t have to go very far (the nearest radio, television, blog, news outlet) to hear parents being blamed (mother’s primarily) for the ills of our youth.
Johnny is a sociopath because his mother works full time, or she doesn’t work and behaves like a helicopter parent; he is allowed to play too many violent videogames, or runs the neighborhood without any guidance.
In The Nurture Assumption, Judith Rich Harris argues that once parents have donated their genetic sauce – they have very little influence over their children EXCEPT in choosing their child’s peer group.
So if you can’t escape your son’s hard coded hatred of going to bed at night or your daughters disdain for table manners, then should you (could you) manipulate their relationships?
Let’s take the assumption that based on Harris’ research, some massaging of your child’s friendships is worthwhile in the long term. The next obvious question becomes: “What cocktail of personality and social characteristics are you looking for in your child’s friends?”
Are you trying to create a healthy, safe social environment for your child? Or are you trying to advance some sort of personal social agenda? This can become a slippery slope very quickly…
Don’t force your son to play lacrosse just because YOU think it’s cool. Don’t blame your daughter for not wanting to hang out with the girl next door – you know, the one who never goes outside and lives with her nose in a book.
Surround your family and your children with other families and children who you admire (for whatever reason). Put yourself and your children in a position where your social circle pulls you UP to be better: better humans, better neighbors, better friends.
Sometimes your relationship with other adults might suffer for the sake of your children. If your best girlfriend’s children resemble wild homicidal pygmies – you might have to curtail your contact to just an occasional ‘girls night out’. More about this issue in the next post
You never know where your child will find a great buddy. Don’t assume – observe. Then be honest with your children – brutally so.
Remember the “every family has different rules”? Try to find a community within your community with rules that resemble your own.
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How Much Does Your Teacher Get Paid? Photo by: Notoriety
Have you ever wondered how much your kid’s teacher makes? Or how about the governor or other state employees?
Ohio Treasurer, Josh Mandel – just created a website aimed at public transparency (love love love) including 2011 salaries (and earlier) for all state workers and wages for other public workers.
That’s right – you can plug in the name and school district of ANY teacher, administrator, state workers, or elected official in the state of Ohio and see their salary. Wowie – talk about transparency!
Carrot: one detail I find interesting is the number of days worked.
Tell us what you think – Were you surprised by a particular salary? Were the numbers what you expected overall?
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Do you have a movie or a book you read over and over again? If I happen across Shawshank Redemption on late night television I have to finish it. It doesn’t matter that I’ve seen it well over 20 times, or that I’ve read the short story (by Stephen King) twice that many times. There is something inherently human about that story – something that grips you until the very last moment.
“America The Story of Us” is a 12 hour series created by the History Channel. I’ll admit that I’m addicted. If I make the mistake of checking the History Channel just before bed, the next day will require a double dose of whatever type of coffee I’m drinking. The program is essentially American history set to cool 21st century graphics and sped up outcomes. But it still manages to grip the essence of the American story through focused vignettes and a fantastically written narrative.
My favorite episode is #3: Westward which follows the westward expansion in the mid 1800′s with all the hardships and horrors you can imagine. This is the point at which I become horrified to realize how soft and fat and weak we’ve become as a people.This country was founded literally on the backs of a few thousand courageous people who were willing to say: “I have no idea what’s over those mountains, and there’s a good chance we may die – but we have to take the chance.” Then they packed up their belongings, their animals, and their children (their CHILDREN) and put everything in harm’s way for freedom and a better life.
Could any one of us do that now? We can’t even make it 30 miles away without 3 hours worth of Blu-Ray and a bag full of snacks and water bottles. (Most of us can survive for at least 72 hours on the spare snacks in our trunks and backseats.) And sure, I know what you’re thinking – that wouldn’t happen today, it’s not a fair comparison – people at that time were used to hardship - these people didn’t even have front loading washers for crying out loud!
This nation was built on: hardship, the value of work, and striving just as surely as steel built the railroads. But when I think about our kids freaking out because the lemonade is not pink, or that the pizza is cut wrong, or any other meaningless minutiae – it makes me crazy. And it isn’t our kid’s fault, it’s our fault.
What are we teaching our children about “striving”? Is it necessary for a child to suffer? Perhaps not “suffer” in its literal and most negative sense. But surely there is a value in working towards something or, striving for something. There is a value in getting up, doing your best and failing – knowing that the next day you have to get up and quite possibly fail again. There is a value in boredom, of being without.
Who cares if our children have it easier than we did? Shouldn’t our children benefit from our hard work? Absolutely not! Your children should benefit from your hard work only if it offers them “opportunity”, not when it produces them with the fruits of YOUR labor.(think: brand new IPad, new phone, or flat screen tv).
If you’re a successful (or struggling) entrepreneur – teach your child how to start a lawn mowing business – and allow them to benefit from the opportunity of learning from you. If you’re a financial planner – teach your child what it means to invest, save, and donate. If you’re a doctor or a lawyer – teach your child what it means to dedicate yourself to study.
Whether or not the child achieves any particular goal is not the point (shocking, right?). In fact it might be preferable that they fail miserably. The lesson is in the effort – not the outcome. The lesson comes in picking apart the failure, acknowledging the fact that it IS a failure (don’t sugarcoat), then learning from it.
Are we seriously, purposely/accidentally raising a generation of weenies? Are we raising a nation of adults who won’t be able to make it an hour without a snack, a scheduled/manipulated social interaction and a “good job” to boot?
Utterly terrifying.
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Giving Your Kid's Teacher a Nervous Breakdown??
There’s always a lot said about what an easy life teachers have. Summers off, union negotiated contracts, tenure, etc. All of those perks are pretty great, but when did you last spend any time inside a K-6 classroom?
Teachers have to deal at least 25 little humans with widely varying academic and behavioral strengths- and that’s 25 at a minimum. Fourth through sixth grade teachers are generally subject specific teachers and may have a hundred students or more.
It takes an incredible amount of mental fortitude to teach and inspire 100 students and their 200 parents – plus or minus another 50 or so step-parents, meddlesome grandparents, and other random blended family members.
So what are the things YOU might be doing that make your kid’s teacher crazy?
Photo by: Chris Willis
In a recent post I list one of two basic goals of parenting as: preparing your children for the day they leave.
That’s both the biggest relief and the biggest heartbreak about parenting; they don’t leave all at once – it happens in increments, if you allow it.
There’s the point really: we have to allow our children to separate from us slowly by learning to speak and advocate for themselves starting at the youngest ages.
When you take your 3 year old to the pediatrician let your child explain how she feels. She’ll leave stuff out of the explanation and that’s OK – you can fill in the gaps.
Nowhere is this skill more important than at school. Encourage your preschoolers to stand up for themselves with classmates and negotiate their own solutions. When a child comes to you crying with a playground issue it’s OK to say “What do YOU think should happen?” “How would YOU solve this problem?” or my favorite “I know you can work it out yourself”.
Eye rolling and grimacing does NOT help your cause. Believe me I've tried.
We love our babies. We’ve wiped their chins and their bottoms and do it all lovingly (at least in front of the grandparents). Then they get older and we put this angel child on a huge yellow tin death trap with no seat belts and a bus driver who might be a meth head (for all we know) – and so you worry.
The first parent teacher conference comes and maybe you lose a little bit of sleep before, and maybe a bit more after. And you find yourself asking your spouse questions like : “What do you think she meant by “right on target? Does that mean we should start doing flash cards to get him past the target? And what does target mean anyway? Is that average? Who wants average?” So you worry some more.
Sports and activities heighten the overall sense of worry. And if you make the colossal error of comparing your kid to the neighborhood phenom in ____ (insert blank sport or activity), I promise you’ll become a basket case. Besides I happen to know for a fact that your neighborhood phenom picks his nose incessantly. So he can be a beast at soccer – but he’s never gonna get married if he doesn’t get that finger out of his nose. (Feel better? You’re welcome!)
